If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away...

Could you imagine how great that would be? I know he would love to see all the kids. If the kids could just run into his arms again. To think how much better our lives would be. Maybe we wouldn't all feel so numb. More laughter, smiles, hugs, loves, visits, sleepovers, etc.. I could go on and on. Oh how I wish he wasn't so far away. The pain is still here even though he's been gone for so long. I would do anything to have him back.

This was when Derrick was just a little baby! He is such a proud grandpa. Loved each one of the kids.

These two have the more inseparable bond ever. They have been the best of friends since Daymon was born. D misses his Iya so much and each day he asks more and more about him. He keeps asking when he'll be back and who's going to take him hunting and fishing.. This poor little guy just has so many questions but is still so young to understand it all. His best friend is gone and he simply just doesn't get why. He tells me all the time how much he loves me then says, "But mom, is it okay that i still love Iya the never most then anybody in the world?" He's the cutest little guy. 

This bottom pic was this fall cutting firewood. I never in a thousand years would've thought that would've been the last time we did together. Coming down Lily Lake road it didn't even cross my mind that we wouldn't have him there next time we went up it. It all happened so fast yet he found so many years and years and years. I guess i just didn't think it would ever get so real. 

^^This picture means more than anyone will ever know.
When Mike found out he had cancer he would always say he hoped to see D go to Kindergarten. We always teased him wouldn't be able to leave him there and he'd get into trouble to looking in the window to check on him and school.
Well when August came around, Mike got to take Daymon to his first day of Kindergarten. & It wasn't easy for him. He hugged him and talked for a minute then we both walked out. I was bawling and he said he had to go before Daymon seen him cry. Our little guy has grown so fast!!!!

Mike loved that dang tractor! This was the last time i seen him drive it around. 

Due to the occasion. Mikes services turned out beautiful. If a funeral can even be that.
I'm still so dang pissed off. I get so frustrated even having to type this. I really really hope that one day I'll know why. I miss this man more than I ever thought. The pain that comes along with death is ridiculous. But i cant complain about it because he went through so much pain everyday just to fight to stay alive to be with all of us. Knowing how much he wanted to still live is what gets me. He LOVED life! He LOVED being with all of us. He LOVED to work. I'm just so confused. Lost. I have so much anger, sadness, confusion, love, etc build up. The numbness after losing someone then reality setting in and it all becomes real. I feel like that's about the same time you realize you don't have as many people in this life to turn to as you thought you did. I just want to have him back. To call me one hundred thousand times again. Help me change the oil in the car. Tell me what kind of stew he was making. Tease me because i wouldn't eat certain meat from animals he shot. We were so close. For so long. Love you Mike!!!!! I miss you so much!!!!! 

I know Mike would be so proud. Even though he'd kick my ass for sitting here crying and worrying myself about all this. I do think we have all made him proud growing up & he would be proud of how we all came together for his funeral. 

Little chuck tells me all the time how he misses his Papa or wants his Papa back. I feel so bad for the littles that just hurt so bad and don't understand at all. 

We went to Garcias with Doris not long ago and I looked over at this exact seat and remembered when we sat here. I started crying as i ate my chicken fajitas and probably looked pretty ridiculous. 

So a week ago we went to the Dinosaur Park. When we go to this dinosaur, Daymon ran up to it and said, "Mom, I can still smell Iya right here! Remember when we took his picture right here? I still smell him by it!"
It was just the cutest thing. 

Sometimes I find myself wanting to save every piece of memory i have of him. If cement wasn't so heavy I'd probably even try to bring these slabs home that they're walking on in this picture. 

Today has been such a hard day. very hard. and i don't know why? I woke up this morning wondering if people still slept in Heaven? Does Mike have a bed? Does he have his favorite blanket? Does he really, honestly still remember us? Right as I opened my eyes all these thoughts came rushing through my mind. Does he still get to make cookies and eat them? Go hunting and fishing like he loved so much? Why cant he still be doing all this here with us?  

We try to go to Iyas "stump" as often as we can. I'd definitely like to go more and decorate it more. His headstone will hopefully be in place by Memorial Day and we can go down and put his new wreath out we are making (pictures to come) and a plaque that Daymon made him. 

This picture is so tender. He LOVES his Iya. & I'm so thankful for all that man taught my son and all he did for us. I cant imagine where we would be today if it wasn't for him. I'm sure glad i don't have to imagine that.

I love you Michael W! Stinky misses you more than you'll ever know and i hope you'll continue to come to me in my dreams. Love you! Thank you for everything!!!!!!