4-13-15 admitted back to the hospital

When I was pregnant with kyle I never thought twice about what CHD meant. Now, it's such a huge part of our life. It's made such an impact on our family. We've all learned so much about it. Please, instead of getting annoyed by posts about it, let's all just help spread awareness! 

Kyle is admitted back into the hospital. He can't tolerate anything to eat. By mouth or the tube. He throws everything up then dry heaves. I feel so bad for him! That has to hurt so bad! All of the testing for vital infections, common cold, rsv, etc etc came back negative! 

look at that smile! It holds me together. I miss my other 3 boys like crazy and I feel so bad being away from them. I know they're in amazing hands with tara right now but I feel so bad putting so much stress on her! But I'm sure my kids are loving it. They tell me all the time how bad they want to go to taras. Daymon asks me why I can't cook good like tara & Charles always asks me to be a crazy driver like her! I hope she knows how much our whole family appreciates her! 

I woke up this morning wanting to cry. This isn't how I want my baby to spend his days. Getting poked, messed with & feeling so crummy. Then I started thinking about all the medical bills. How are we ever goiang to pay for all this & still be able to enjoy life? Why does money have to be such a struggle? I shouldn't even be worrying about that right now but it's a fact of life. The struggle is real. 

♡Thank you all so so so much. I have never felt so much love in my life as I have lately. I keep telling myself that I can do this. It's not easy, but it'd do anything for any of my kids.♡

Kyle's 3rd Primary Childrens appt

Mr. KY had his 3rd appt on 1-9-15. He now weighs 10 lbs 7 oz! He's gaining weight which is great! He also had an echo cardio gram & that showed that not much had changed from last month. Some more restricting but that's to be expexted. So we're still waiting for the big OHS date.

You're never given more than you can handle?

I can't help but repeat this in my mind.. you're never given more than you can handle.
Seriously? Is that true?
-I've had many trials in my life. Some of them are clear & some of them only I know about.
-all I had ever dreamt of as a child was having a big family & driving a mini van. I have always loved kids. I clearly remember my aunts laughing that I was going to be the mini van mom. But, I have a tahoe! Close enough. Lol.
-my oldest son Daymon faces challenges every. Single. Day.. I wish so bad that I could see things from his point of view, see what triggers him, see first hand of how challenging day to day is for him. Maybe then I'd be able to help him even more. Better yet, figure it out the first time.
The therapist told me that I need to grieve..
For the loss of my dad but also the loss of my childhood dream. I have beat myself up over & over & over. What could I have done different? Better? Try harder...?
Grieve that this is LIFE! sometimes, when you have a dream so strong, & it happens but also comes with a lot of different challenges, paths, & obstacles that I never knew existed as a child, grieving will allow me to accept, move on & quit punishing myself for something that is out of my control.
I love Daymon with everything I have. Every piece of me loves that kid. That is why I have to do what is right for him & for myself. To be able to stand by him for the rest of our lives & guide him, give him reassurance that each day is a new day. That he will ALWAYS have someone to turn to. To be there for him.
It's harder than people imagine. I used to be "that mom" in the store. The one that thought someone had horrible parenting skills. I used to think, "id whoop that kids ass if they were mine", or, my kid will never act like that. Well, I'm THAT MOM!  & please,  don't be so quick to judge. You have no idea what people are going through! There's days I leave my house and I know I look like hell. But, that's the best I could do for that day.
♡