Adventures!♡

This life. My Life. Our Adventure.
-I packed our whole house. Every room, every closet, every cupboard.. all the memories in that house are in our hearts & our belongings are now in my dad's garage.
-I doubted myself a million times. But I believed in myself a million more. I feel so accomplished. A single momma of 4 handsome boys just trying to give them the best life possible. It's going to be rocky for a bit, but with them by my side- I can do anything.

-the Goshen house wasn't ready to move in to yet.. so we unloaded the uhaul in my dad's garage. Hopefully sometime soon we can be living in Goshen.. that means, I get to load ALL of my belongings again. Then, unload them. I'm exhausted... mentally, physically, emotionally- the whole bit. There's multiple times a day where I just want to scream, cry, or run away- but then I just think about when my boys and I are finally living in our very own place together and I can look at those 4 sweet faces and say, "we did it!" I am so excited for our new chapter in life and all the adventures we will have!!!

♡I can do this. All of this. Every aspect of life. I've got this. ♡

-I'm just a simple girl with a huge heart. I am beyond ready to just be happy. I want to love & be loved. I am moving on w/ brandnew, fresh slates in my life & so far it's been amazing. Even though my life seems like a shitshow, I have enjoyed smiling til my cheeks hurt & laughing so hard my sides are sore. I deserve this. Damn it, I do! I've given my all & totally let go of myself for years & it feels so good to be ME again. 

^^^YES!!!

I have had some amazing people that have been there for me. Some have been for years.. some for months.. or maybe just a couple weeks. You all know who you are! The encouraging comments, texts, messages, etc.. they're all so appreciated!

The laughter, tears, conversations and love- nothing beats it! My life is wonderful. I try to hold most of it in, but I'm going through a lot of shit right now.. not many ppl even know about all of it, & that's completely ok! I'm handling it all.. I'm pretending that I know what I'm doing & I am finally ENJOYING life & putting a smile on my face despite all I'm going through. We only get this life.. I will make the best of it. & I will be happy. I will love. I will be loved again. I'll be the best momma possible day after day. I can do this. I will NOT give up!!!

GOODNIGHT WORLD!♡♡

Life♡

Tonight is a rough one.

I try to keep repeating "life is tough darling, but so are you!" Over & over in my head. But then convincing myself of that isn't so easy. 

☆I have never been a good one at making decisions. In this huge world, I feel so helpless. So alone, even though I know I have people there for me.. cheering me on thru my trials. When I look at these 4 boys & try to make decisions it terrifies me. All four of these sweet souls depend on me. On their momma to make the right choice. How do I do this? I have prayed more in the past 6 months than I feel like I have in the last 26 years!!! I talk to God while I'm driving.. when I'm sitting down trying to think about all I need to get done.. when I'm switching loads of laundry. I have gotten down & kneeled beside my bed praying my guts out, ALOT lately. I know He is there. But I still feel so alone, like no one is listening. 

☆I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. This wonderful life has also been hell the past 3 years. I try so hard not to dwell on loved ones that have passed. But damn it, I miss Mike more than ever. They say it gets easier but it's only gotten harder. I need his advice. His comfort.. my life has been a complete spiral since we lost him. I have so many voice-mails on my phone from when I would purposely miss his phone call cuz I knew I'd want to hear his voice again some day. I'd give anything to have the strength to push that play button and listen to them, but I cant..I want to so badly but I just can't.

OH MY sweet Kyle.. we're coming up on 2 years since his Open Heart Surgery. I fight myself daily to quit over thinking. To stop worrying about his little heart inside his body that I can't see. He's a tough little boy & is doing amazing!!! I need to just focus on that but this so called PTSD the docs said I have wont let me. Every operation my son has went through, every time I had to shove that damn feeding tube up his nose. When they'd have to do x-rays or replace his gtube in his belly and I'd have to help hold him down while he would scream for me.. his sweet momma that was supposed to be comforting him.. I had to be this little boys voice & back bone through everything. & I still am. I've had to hear about how he "might not make it" or "we can't control his pain, we are going to do a spinal tap." Even down to- "kyle can't take anything by mouth to eat. So here's some swabs to keep his mouth & lips a little more moisturized".. 

"Ok, give him a kiss goodbye, you can't go past this line. We will take good care of him & he will be drifting off to sleep here soon." Do you think it's easy? Don't you think you'd treat your child just a tad different from other children if you had to literally fight to keep him alive? "We went in for a minor procedure & discovered kyle has malrotation & will need his intestines removed so we can untwist them and sew them to his abdominal wall. Oh & remove his galbladder. I know I told you all of this in a matter of one minute but I need you to sign this consent form cuz your son is on the operating table & I need to get back to him. Love, GI doc" ... or what about coming out of heart surgery & watching my 4 month old baby boy shaking uncontrollably. His sweet eyes looking up at me, while I just prayed to God to let me take it all on. Let me fight these battles. Not Kyle.

☆ But that's where I know God sent me Kyle. I wasn't in a good place before I got pregnant. I wasn't in a good state of mind. I couldn't live without my best friend. I couldnt see Daymon in so much pain from losing his best friend. Little Kyle kept me busy. Extremely busy. I didn't have time to think about one thing other than figating to keep my newest bundle of joy alive & being so thankful for my other 3 boys rooting their momma on. So PLEASE, understand that this is a VERY sensitive subject with me. If you're reading this, pretty please don't ever tell me I treat kyle differently, even if I do.. This boy got my head straight to still be here for all 4 of them. It wasn't any of my boys' fault I was having mental issues. But I thank God above every single day that I'm breathing. I'm here. & I'm sure so many of you had no idea I struggled with this. I was always so scared to tell anyone. I am beyond blessed to have such an amazing doctor & friend to help me through it all & not suffer from all that anymore.

I have loved. I have hurt. I am lost. I'm on a mission. I can do this.

-I want every single one of you that has been there for me to know how much I appreciate you!!! I don't feel like I know what I'm doing from one day to the next. But I'm here. I present. I'm trying. 

-I have a lot to decide with little time to do it. I scream at the top of my lungs. I soak in the tub and cry my eyes out like right now. I wake up, do my make up daily now & put a smile on my face. I take WAYYY too many selfies. I finally feel human. Even thru all the pain the last few months I feel like I matter. I have feelings again. I love beyond measure & it gets my heart into trouble. I over think everything & probably cause more problems for myself that wouldn't even be there if I'd shut my brain off. But I can't. I care way too much to just shut it off.

♡I love each & every one of you that's reading this. I would do anything for you. Even though I feel like I'm losing my mind lately, serving others helps me SOOO much.

-this is my rant for the night I guess. Now I need to decide to move. To move far away. To stay in Evanston. To stay in the house I am now. I need advice. Any and all you've got. Cuz I feel so alone & this is all scaring the shit out of me.

Love, Me.