Kyle Jack

Kyle had an appt today (12-24-14) to see why he was so fussy. The doctor just did to increase his reflux medicine. He weighs 9 lbs 14 Oz!

Family pictures :)

We sure do have a beautiful family!!!

Dec. 2014

Derrick loves to give Kyle kisses. I love this picture. MKyle  boys are so great! 

^Daymon is almost 7! I can't believe it! He's such a handsome young man. His love for dinosaurs is amazing. He has studied them a ton and can tell you which ones are plant or meat eaters, How many plates/spikes they have on their backs, and which ones were toughest. He loves the Utahraptor.

Chucky is now 4! He's always been a strong little man. He faced a hard life in the first few weeks he was on this earth and he has showed great improvements all the time. 

He loves his dog snoopy, his dad is his ultimate best friend. Lego Duplo are the next best thing & he makes awesome things out of all his play dough! ♡

Derrick is my softie. Our bond is just amazing. I don't know if it's because he's my first baby that I co-slept with, breastfed the longest or if it's because he has the cutest 1year old personality ever. He's a wild child! But is just so dang adorable! He loves his momma, and gives me kisses on each cheek, forehead then my lips. His laugh is so contagious & We love to have laughing contests to see who can laugh the loudest. Bath time is one of his favorites!

---》Kyle Jack Leavitt 《---

Strength, courage, faith, hope, love..

This little man has taught me so much. He has given me hope when I thought things were worse than ever. Strength to roll with the punches. If he can fight such a big battle in a.little tiny body, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get him better. I have loved him since I first read the positive pregnancy test. Every ultrasound my heart would melt seeing him. He is such a huge blessing to our family! 

♡♡♡♡

I need to catch up!

Well there have been some sleepless nights around here. Apria  Healthcare came to pick up Kyle's oxygen and took his apnea monitor too.. The doctor didn't write for it to stay so they said that it had to go with the oxygen or insurance wouldn't cover it. So I have felt empty without it. I'm going to look into another monitor I can purchase.

^^Snoopy & Charles are best friends^^

These two are so cute together.

Kyle had to get his 2nd synigis shot on 12/16/14. I was happy to see that he's still gaining weight good! He was not happy about the scale.

If he thought the scale was bad, the shot was much worse. I always feel so dang bad. :( breaks my heart to hold him while they give it to him and watch him cry. 

As sad as it is, I know it's for the best and I'm very grateful he gets it. It will help him from getting RSV.

This is from booboo buddies. I was very excited when we got it in the mail. This will be something to keep forever. It will be his little buddy to take during surgeries, appointments, etc... 

This little monster keeps me on my toes! He is so much fun though! I can't ever get enough of that smile! I love to just laugh at him because he laughs back 10x louder. He makes every day better & has the cutest personality ever. He's a great big brother, too! We sure do love him! 

Echo & EKG

Mr. Kyle had an echo done on 12-12-14. After the echo was over Dr. Menon ordered an ekg. Kyle did good while they did both of them. Next time I'll be sure to take a bottle with me though to keep him calmer. It was so amazing to listen to his heart for awhile and be able to see it on the screen. He's our little miracle and I'm so proud of how strong his is.

We found out that Kyle's valves have restricted more since last month's echo. Which is to be expected from his heart condition. We first were told to expect surgery around April or May but now the cardiologist won't let him go past March.

^^ I LOVE BABY FEET! ^^

Kyle's first ekg. I felt so bad for the little man when they took all those stickys off. He was not happy with that nurse at all! :( 

Maternity pictures 2014

If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away...

Could you imagine how great that would be? I know he would love to see all the kids. If the kids could just run into his arms again. To think how much better our lives would be. Maybe we wouldn't all feel so numb. More laughter, smiles, hugs, loves, visits, sleepovers, etc.. I could go on and on. Oh how I wish he wasn't so far away. The pain is still here even though he's been gone for so long. I would do anything to have him back.

This was when Derrick was just a little baby! He is such a proud grandpa. Loved each one of the kids.

These two have the more inseparable bond ever. They have been the best of friends since Daymon was born. D misses his Iya so much and each day he asks more and more about him. He keeps asking when he'll be back and who's going to take him hunting and fishing.. This poor little guy just has so many questions but is still so young to understand it all. His best friend is gone and he simply just doesn't get why. He tells me all the time how much he loves me then says, "But mom, is it okay that i still love Iya the never most then anybody in the world?" He's the cutest little guy. 

This bottom pic was this fall cutting firewood. I never in a thousand years would've thought that would've been the last time we did together. Coming down Lily Lake road it didn't even cross my mind that we wouldn't have him there next time we went up it. It all happened so fast yet he found so many years and years and years. I guess i just didn't think it would ever get so real. 

^^This picture means more than anyone will ever know.
When Mike found out he had cancer he would always say he hoped to see D go to Kindergarten. We always teased him wouldn't be able to leave him there and he'd get into trouble to looking in the window to check on him and school.
Well when August came around, Mike got to take Daymon to his first day of Kindergarten. & It wasn't easy for him. He hugged him and talked for a minute then we both walked out. I was bawling and he said he had to go before Daymon seen him cry. Our little guy has grown so fast!!!!

Mike loved that dang tractor! This was the last time i seen him drive it around. 

Due to the occasion. Mikes services turned out beautiful. If a funeral can even be that.
I'm still so dang pissed off. I get so frustrated even having to type this. I really really hope that one day I'll know why. I miss this man more than I ever thought. The pain that comes along with death is ridiculous. But i cant complain about it because he went through so much pain everyday just to fight to stay alive to be with all of us. Knowing how much he wanted to still live is what gets me. He LOVED life! He LOVED being with all of us. He LOVED to work. I'm just so confused. Lost. I have so much anger, sadness, confusion, love, etc build up. The numbness after losing someone then reality setting in and it all becomes real. I feel like that's about the same time you realize you don't have as many people in this life to turn to as you thought you did. I just want to have him back. To call me one hundred thousand times again. Help me change the oil in the car. Tell me what kind of stew he was making. Tease me because i wouldn't eat certain meat from animals he shot. We were so close. For so long. Love you Mike!!!!! I miss you so much!!!!! 

I know Mike would be so proud. Even though he'd kick my ass for sitting here crying and worrying myself about all this. I do think we have all made him proud growing up & he would be proud of how we all came together for his funeral. 

Little chuck tells me all the time how he misses his Papa or wants his Papa back. I feel so bad for the littles that just hurt so bad and don't understand at all. 

We went to Garcias with Doris not long ago and I looked over at this exact seat and remembered when we sat here. I started crying as i ate my chicken fajitas and probably looked pretty ridiculous. 

So a week ago we went to the Dinosaur Park. When we go to this dinosaur, Daymon ran up to it and said, "Mom, I can still smell Iya right here! Remember when we took his picture right here? I still smell him by it!"
It was just the cutest thing. 

Sometimes I find myself wanting to save every piece of memory i have of him. If cement wasn't so heavy I'd probably even try to bring these slabs home that they're walking on in this picture. 

Today has been such a hard day. very hard. and i don't know why? I woke up this morning wondering if people still slept in Heaven? Does Mike have a bed? Does he have his favorite blanket? Does he really, honestly still remember us? Right as I opened my eyes all these thoughts came rushing through my mind. Does he still get to make cookies and eat them? Go hunting and fishing like he loved so much? Why cant he still be doing all this here with us?  

We try to go to Iyas "stump" as often as we can. I'd definitely like to go more and decorate it more. His headstone will hopefully be in place by Memorial Day and we can go down and put his new wreath out we are making (pictures to come) and a plaque that Daymon made him. 

This picture is so tender. He LOVES his Iya. & I'm so thankful for all that man taught my son and all he did for us. I cant imagine where we would be today if it wasn't for him. I'm sure glad i don't have to imagine that.

I love you Michael W! Stinky misses you more than you'll ever know and i hope you'll continue to come to me in my dreams. Love you! Thank you for everything!!!!!!