Life is good!♡

All of the hard work has paid off! This weekend is moving time. We were supposed to move this week but of course, things don't usually go according to plans! ;) I'm so excited to have our own place. It'll be so much fun to decorate & look at teal walls every day!♡

The boys have been there for me through most of it. They took a break over the weekend and went to WY. They needed it & this momma needed it. I'm not sure if you've tried to clean up a nasty disaster, paint & sand floors with 4 helpful boys but it doesn't go as smooth as you'd think!😂

So grateful for how much they do try to help their mom. Even if it's just the little things like putting a smile on my face. They're pretty awesome kids!♡

So, I am beyond happy. So blessed.

If I had to go through every day of my journey just to get where I'm at right now, I'd do it all again a thousand times. This all started over a sandwich ;) 

This man is so good to me. My cheeks still hurt and I swear I'll wake up with abs one of these mornings! Smiling & laughing is the best! Feels so good! 

 I can only hope that my family & Friends see how happy this girl is!!! I deserve it. He deserves it. I'm excited for you all to meet him one day! 💗

💗😍❤

Amazing people.♡

Jordan Elaine ♡

Have I been through much in life? I think so & I struggle.. some may think I haven't, others have been huge support in my life. They were there when I felt like I hit rock bottom & they've continued to help me find my pieces to mend myself again. 

I have also met multiple new friends & I'm so so thankful for them. 

One I have known of for awhile but never really met. I needed this person. The confidence boosts, our venting sessions & our random "keep grinding" messages to help each other through the day. I'm very lucky to have this one in my life. A really great friend.

I also met another one at work. A simple joke about my favorite sandwich turned into a great friendship. A true inspiration after all this person has been through yet continues to stay positive. Not only stay positive but encourage me to as well. Keeps me smiling & always has the right words to turn my messy scenarios into strength.  It's a crazy life when you meet someone & it feels like you've known them a lot longer than you really have. 

Ooh, my Tiffy.

This girl doesn't get the credit she deserves. She's my #1.

I honestly do not think I would've gotten out of the darkest place in my life if it wasn't for this amazing lady. Life has thrown so much at her & some how,  some way she throws it right back. She has worked her butt off for everything in life & provides everything her sweet kiddos need. She inspires me more than she thinks she does. I sure do love you tiffy poo.

P.s. I'm so so happy she found this man! They deserve each other. He's a great guy & she's an amazing lady. Just a quick shout out- I didn't have one thing under my tree this Christmas in Evanston. I was freaking out, stressed out & didn't know what I was going to do. These two drove up from roy & told me to keep the kids inside then to come out to Trevor's truck. They handed me wrapped presents from Santa.. My heart was so full. I will never ever forget that. I appreciate all they've done for my family. 

 

Aunt Cait. My bestie. 

My boys listen to her better than anyone. 

& they absolutely love her!

She's another gal that has been through so much in her life. I think of her as one of those that are tougher than nails. She doesn't put up with anyone's shit & I love that about her! She has helped me so much over the last 9 years & I honestly can't thank her enough! She falls for my awesome jelly bean game, cooks me dinner, floods my kitchen, never doubts my abilities & even tries to play cupid. Sure do love you & your family Caitlin!!!

^^^this is so me!!! Laughed so hard. 

100% how I feel when I wake up in the mornings!♡

Love the life you live! ♡

 I've been living in Mona,Ut for about a month & half now. I have loved it! Today has been such a nice, sunny day! The boys are playing Legos on the front porch and I just got done feeding animals! Going out & spending time with the horses, feeding the chickens, sheep & cows does my soul good! ♡

As many of you know, Daymon had a lengthy appointment yesterday. I sure hope we're on the right track to getting him the help he needs & deserves! He's an amazing kid & has a huge heart. These mental health challenges get the best of him at times & it sends us all into a downward spiral. Fast. 

 👆I saw this & fell in love. I hate to complain about Daymon's challenges cuz I don't want people to view him differently. There are times that I just need to vent though or have an outsiders view. He's an amazing child.
💗this also hits close to me. Regardless of any diagnosis, we are who we are. I have learned along the way to just be myself & I'll know who is really there for me & who isn't. I'm not just a diagnosis, never will be. I am me. I've loved life so much lately, it's the best feeling ever!

♡Jordan Elaine 

Emotionally. Mentally. Physically- EXHAUSTED!

So, I'm sure you all know me.

I pretend to know what I'm doing.. I try my hardest & have been giving this life my best shot. But here we are again... exhausted!

-My mind is chaos 

-My heart is still in broken pieces 

-The lump in my throat isn't going away

-My stomach is turning all day 

-Once again, I'm holding back the tears.

Meet Daymon. He is my oldest son & is 9 years old! He's my sidekick, trouble maker, lover, everything you could ever feel in life- it seems like this boy experiences it daIly.

☆HE STRUGGLES, 

I STRUGGLE, 

WE STRUGGLE!☆

I hope & pray that this blog will some how-  some way make its way to another family going through something similar. I know we're not alone.. but damn it, it sure does feel like it!!!

♡Do you know about ODD? 

Does someone you know suffer from it?

Daymon does..

& because of this sweet boys challenges, I suffer from it, his siblings do, we ALL do.

-please tell me I'm not the only psycho mother out there that feels terrible giving 4 different medications 3x a day to my child. I fight myself with this a lot! & I beat myself up constantly that I have to "drug" my son so that he can try to live a some what normal life.. then I get these stupid, random changes of heart that think he will be just fine without medicine. For the first while he is!!! He's great! He has his personality back, his sense of humor, he can talk, joke around & play like a "normal" kid. Then boooom, all hell breaks loose and everything is out of control. & guess what? I get to take the brunt of it ALL cuz I'm the one that had this amazing idea to let my child see this beautiful, messed up world medication free!

 Why, why, why!?

Parenting is hard. Being a mom is hard. I so badly want to throw my hands up in the air and be done. I quit. I finally give up, I want to be done. But for some reason, some how- I keep going. I know my reasons & I know my how's, I just wish others could understand my perspective. 

I GUESS I NEED TO REMIND MYSELF OF THIS MORE.

I'm trying. I want to fight this mental illness along the side of my oldest baby. I want him to ENJOY life. 

His anger has been out of control again. It is at the worst peak we've probably ever dealt with in our home. & definitely the worst its been at school. Back to the counselors, psychiatrists and doctors we go... 

& with all that has been going on in my life.. I'm a mess. 

I absolutely love to smile. I vowed to myself to get ready every single day and I have. I laugh til my cheeks & sides hurt.. so why does life have to be so confusing? Why does my heart have to hurt so bad.  I haven't been to counseling as an adult, but guess what!? This chick is going!! & I am excited. I can't wait for some relief.. 

Xoxo

Jordan Elaine 

A little of myself♡

Happiness is the new me!♡

Today I was thinking of how much I enjoy smiling. I used to cry while I'd be vacuuming the house. I would be doing my makeup & just start crying which made it absolutely pointless to even put makeup on. Id be scrubbing dishes and just stand there bawling. Doing my grocery shopping at the store & stroll around with tears down my face. That was me. I've been there. 

I keep telling myself, "I've got this!" and I do! I have enjoyed my life so much the past month. It has been so stressful but so enjoyable at the same time! I know I'm a strong woman, I like a challenge.. when life is that challenge, I just want to strive to make it the best life possible. Especially for my four boys and i.

^^I was scrolling through good ol Facebook and saw this quote. It pulled at my heart strings. This must mean that aside from my own heart, I have a lot of love to give! My boys are a handful. They are amazing. Their attitudes are sometimes terrible & they back talk like none other. But their hearts are ginormous & I know that they're just trying to figure this life out along the side of me. I'm an adult & I still get confused, frustrated & sad at certain situations. I couldn't imagine being such little guys and going through all my kiddos have went through and been aside adjusting to. I sure do have some amazing young men in my life & they're my world!🌎

We went to the Sandhill in Goshen today. 

Meet Nellie, my donkey that I got as a little kid. She is 25 years young!!! I have so many childhood memories with her & it felt so amazing watching my boys play with her along the side of me! I used to ride her all over but these boys were too chicken! We had a fire with the tumbleweeds & just enjoyed the evening together!♡

I'm a selfie whore. If you've been around me very long, we probably have several selfies together. Life is too short to not take pictures to keep your memories alive for others.. and yourself along this journey of life! I absolutely LOVE taking pictures & always will. 

I've done a lot better lately. But there's still moments throughout the day that I battle with myself to not give up. I want to so badly. I just want to throw my hands in the air and be done. I want to be the perfect mother. I would give so much to be able to love and be loved. But I'm scared. My heart is still repairing.. I need time. But I've been broken for sooo long I am beyond excited to be happy, loved, cherished & have the life I deserve. To be able to give back to someone all that they deserve. I know this day will come. Not today. Probably not tomorrow. Maybe not this month. Possibly not this year, but it will soon enough. 

I cant. I have to keep going. Even if they don't seem like they do or even if I don't feel like they do- these boys need their momma. I want to live. Damn it to hell I want to LIVE!!! & I mean enjoy life. Smile. Laugh until my guts hurt. 

♡I have came this far. If you're unhappy, sad, lonely, anything I want each & every one of you to know that I AM HERE!!! I beg you... please do not ever ever ever feel as if you're alone. You can call me. Text me. Message me. FaceTime.. anything! I was so lonely inside. I was lonely on the outside. I want to help you if you feel this way. It may not seem like much but a listening ear with a completely open heart helps more than you probably think!!!

-Much love!!!♡

Jordan Elaine 

Simply me♡

Just a simple girl.. with a huge heart that gets her into trouble.

How do you decide when to use your heart & when to use your head? Cuz whatever I do, I feel like I give it my all. Whether it's frosting cookies at work, meeting new people, feeding horses, getting to know someone, chasing my kiddos, developing feelings, holding the door open for people... I absolutely LOVE serving others! But nights like tonight I sit here and wonder if it's worth it. All of this love, care, compassion- (whatever you want to call it) that I have to give.. is it worth giving. Especially to the ones that don't seem to recognize it. 

Awhile ago i told myself that I was going to be a bitch.. I was putting my walls up and guarding my heart with everything I've got. I was tired of feeling like I didn't matter after givin everything my best shot! But that's where I think I've got it figured out.. I give TOO much, I care TOO much, I love TOO much, everything with me seems to be TOO much. 

BUT... this is me! 

I always have & always will love with all I've got. I feel like life is too short to half ass it. I will give it my all.

-i'll keep loving & probably be broken a few more times.

-I'll stay positive & keep my head high 

-there will be more days that I secretly just want to give up. But I'm determined. 

-my goals are always in the back of my mind. I'm going to achieve them. 

-like I always say.. "I'll get through it, always do"

I've got this! ♡

These 4 boys are my rock. My world.

 My life.

- I'm not a perfect mom and I don't pretend to be. I make mistakes. My kids sometimes get away with more than they should & at other times I'm probably too hard on them. But lately I feel like pounding my head against the wall. I don't know if it's the transition or what but I feel like I'm losing my mind! 



♡♡I am so excited for life. Even despite all the stress & hard times I'm going through, I know it'll all be ok! I can't even explain how amazing it feels to smile. I don't have to have a reason, it just happens now. & it feels so so good!!!



I have a long ways to go to get back on my own two feet.. or to get where I want to be. But I can do it. I will do it! None of this is easy, but it's all worth it. I have realized how much I deserve & one day I'll have it.. I've got this..♡

Adventures!♡

This life. My Life. Our Adventure.
-I packed our whole house. Every room, every closet, every cupboard.. all the memories in that house are in our hearts & our belongings are now in my dad's garage.
-I doubted myself a million times. But I believed in myself a million more. I feel so accomplished. A single momma of 4 handsome boys just trying to give them the best life possible. It's going to be rocky for a bit, but with them by my side- I can do anything.

-the Goshen house wasn't ready to move in to yet.. so we unloaded the uhaul in my dad's garage. Hopefully sometime soon we can be living in Goshen.. that means, I get to load ALL of my belongings again. Then, unload them. I'm exhausted... mentally, physically, emotionally- the whole bit. There's multiple times a day where I just want to scream, cry, or run away- but then I just think about when my boys and I are finally living in our very own place together and I can look at those 4 sweet faces and say, "we did it!" I am so excited for our new chapter in life and all the adventures we will have!!!

♡I can do this. All of this. Every aspect of life. I've got this. ♡

-I'm just a simple girl with a huge heart. I am beyond ready to just be happy. I want to love & be loved. I am moving on w/ brandnew, fresh slates in my life & so far it's been amazing. Even though my life seems like a shitshow, I have enjoyed smiling til my cheeks hurt & laughing so hard my sides are sore. I deserve this. Damn it, I do! I've given my all & totally let go of myself for years & it feels so good to be ME again. 

^^^YES!!!

I have had some amazing people that have been there for me. Some have been for years.. some for months.. or maybe just a couple weeks. You all know who you are! The encouraging comments, texts, messages, etc.. they're all so appreciated!

The laughter, tears, conversations and love- nothing beats it! My life is wonderful. I try to hold most of it in, but I'm going through a lot of shit right now.. not many ppl even know about all of it, & that's completely ok! I'm handling it all.. I'm pretending that I know what I'm doing & I am finally ENJOYING life & putting a smile on my face despite all I'm going through. We only get this life.. I will make the best of it. & I will be happy. I will love. I will be loved again. I'll be the best momma possible day after day. I can do this. I will NOT give up!!!

GOODNIGHT WORLD!♡♡

Life♡

Tonight is a rough one.

I try to keep repeating "life is tough darling, but so are you!" Over & over in my head. But then convincing myself of that isn't so easy. 

☆I have never been a good one at making decisions. In this huge world, I feel so helpless. So alone, even though I know I have people there for me.. cheering me on thru my trials. When I look at these 4 boys & try to make decisions it terrifies me. All four of these sweet souls depend on me. On their momma to make the right choice. How do I do this? I have prayed more in the past 6 months than I feel like I have in the last 26 years!!! I talk to God while I'm driving.. when I'm sitting down trying to think about all I need to get done.. when I'm switching loads of laundry. I have gotten down & kneeled beside my bed praying my guts out, ALOT lately. I know He is there. But I still feel so alone, like no one is listening. 

☆I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. This wonderful life has also been hell the past 3 years. I try so hard not to dwell on loved ones that have passed. But damn it, I miss Mike more than ever. They say it gets easier but it's only gotten harder. I need his advice. His comfort.. my life has been a complete spiral since we lost him. I have so many voice-mails on my phone from when I would purposely miss his phone call cuz I knew I'd want to hear his voice again some day. I'd give anything to have the strength to push that play button and listen to them, but I cant..I want to so badly but I just can't.

OH MY sweet Kyle.. we're coming up on 2 years since his Open Heart Surgery. I fight myself daily to quit over thinking. To stop worrying about his little heart inside his body that I can't see. He's a tough little boy & is doing amazing!!! I need to just focus on that but this so called PTSD the docs said I have wont let me. Every operation my son has went through, every time I had to shove that damn feeding tube up his nose. When they'd have to do x-rays or replace his gtube in his belly and I'd have to help hold him down while he would scream for me.. his sweet momma that was supposed to be comforting him.. I had to be this little boys voice & back bone through everything. & I still am. I've had to hear about how he "might not make it" or "we can't control his pain, we are going to do a spinal tap." Even down to- "kyle can't take anything by mouth to eat. So here's some swabs to keep his mouth & lips a little more moisturized".. 

"Ok, give him a kiss goodbye, you can't go past this line. We will take good care of him & he will be drifting off to sleep here soon." Do you think it's easy? Don't you think you'd treat your child just a tad different from other children if you had to literally fight to keep him alive? "We went in for a minor procedure & discovered kyle has malrotation & will need his intestines removed so we can untwist them and sew them to his abdominal wall. Oh & remove his galbladder. I know I told you all of this in a matter of one minute but I need you to sign this consent form cuz your son is on the operating table & I need to get back to him. Love, GI doc" ... or what about coming out of heart surgery & watching my 4 month old baby boy shaking uncontrollably. His sweet eyes looking up at me, while I just prayed to God to let me take it all on. Let me fight these battles. Not Kyle.

☆ But that's where I know God sent me Kyle. I wasn't in a good place before I got pregnant. I wasn't in a good state of mind. I couldn't live without my best friend. I couldnt see Daymon in so much pain from losing his best friend. Little Kyle kept me busy. Extremely busy. I didn't have time to think about one thing other than figating to keep my newest bundle of joy alive & being so thankful for my other 3 boys rooting their momma on. So PLEASE, understand that this is a VERY sensitive subject with me. If you're reading this, pretty please don't ever tell me I treat kyle differently, even if I do.. This boy got my head straight to still be here for all 4 of them. It wasn't any of my boys' fault I was having mental issues. But I thank God above every single day that I'm breathing. I'm here. & I'm sure so many of you had no idea I struggled with this. I was always so scared to tell anyone. I am beyond blessed to have such an amazing doctor & friend to help me through it all & not suffer from all that anymore.

I have loved. I have hurt. I am lost. I'm on a mission. I can do this.

-I want every single one of you that has been there for me to know how much I appreciate you!!! I don't feel like I know what I'm doing from one day to the next. But I'm here. I present. I'm trying. 

-I have a lot to decide with little time to do it. I scream at the top of my lungs. I soak in the tub and cry my eyes out like right now. I wake up, do my make up daily now & put a smile on my face. I take WAYYY too many selfies. I finally feel human. Even thru all the pain the last few months I feel like I matter. I have feelings again. I love beyond measure & it gets my heart into trouble. I over think everything & probably cause more problems for myself that wouldn't even be there if I'd shut my brain off. But I can't. I care way too much to just shut it off.

♡I love each & every one of you that's reading this. I would do anything for you. Even though I feel like I'm losing my mind lately, serving others helps me SOOO much.

-this is my rant for the night I guess. Now I need to decide to move. To move far away. To stay in Evanston. To stay in the house I am now. I need advice. Any and all you've got. Cuz I feel so alone & this is all scaring the shit out of me.

Love, Me.